Company Policy: Effective July 2006

[groovebuster]

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed  according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not  need raise.  If you dress poorly, you  need to learn to manage your  money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not  need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to  be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of  sickness. If  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to  work.

Annual Leave Days

Each employee will receive  104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday &  Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for  missing work. There is nothing you can do for  dead friends, relatives or  co-workers. Every effort should be made to  have non-employees attend to the  arrangements. In rare cases where  employee involvement is necessary, the  funeral should be scheduled in  the late afternoon. We will be glad to  allow you to work through your  lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour  early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being  spent in the toilet.  There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the  stalls. At the end of three  minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper  roll will retract, the stall door will open,  and a picture will be taken.   After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the  company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone  caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the  company's mental  health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch,  as they need to eat more, so  that they can look healthy. Normal size people  get 15 minutes for  lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their  average figure. Chubby  people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all  the time needed to drink a Slimfast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a  positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments,  concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,  insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be  directed elsewhere.

The Management

[groovebuster]

[Kiwi-Kai]

Love this one 

[Garnet Grylls]

... the whippings shall continue until morale improves!!!!